first
I slip into pain
so it isn’t exposed

then
I snap expectations closed
(behind my chest
one-handed)

Struggle into too-tight empathy, belt it,

so it holds

arms up
and through
a

loose

content

caged by regret.


I tie love around my neck
for easy removal

shoes for walking

the person I love most

answering my 4 in the morning calls asking who was that poet you always used to quote
(Yevtushenko)
I’m so sorry
I had to know

Anabel,
You could murder twelve people
Tattoo your entire body,
Run away to China,
(or anywhere else you desire)
Have a record in each state,
Children on each continent
Drop out of school,
Take up prostitution

And I would still love you

more than anything
(or anyone)

in the entire world

My precious baby,
my baby-

You can’t understand
Until you have a child.


but I think I do

4:12 in the morning,

and you quote it
again,

For having ceased to love you I do not ask your pardon,
I ask to pardon me for having loved you once

Eight Old Birthday Balloons

I don’t think we’re nothing

at all

in my kitchen
counting sagging balloons
popping each shriveling mass
with the animalistic joy
of little kids
who just discovered
how
to

destroy

one, two, three,
the gnawing
four
lustful,
two hungry
jaws
five, six
to occupy
seven,

mouths too long,
eight

de –flate
-ed.
O,
What a pretty celebration on grey linoleum!

red, green, blue, yellow, orange,
red, green, blue, yellow, orange

is death always this vibrant?

three months ago everything was up in the air,
but
I still don’t think

we’re nothing
now?

Our security is shriveling at the cost of two plane tickets departing in two weeks neither you nor I are prepared so we don’t sleep and it’s starting to affect me and I’m worried about the holes in our throats

It is still,

lowering our lids

Resigned to the

shit we spit last

night, you're

denying,

I'm pleading

quiet

on

infinite

reservations

We

held-

It is still

with you.

Exhaling

velvet

You turn your head and pretend

disassociation is your only vice but

I felt it

It is still

with you-

Everything.

and

recalling each hesitation luring you

from love I imagine the still and

its stillness enough

with you.

Caressing the ankles of someone I loved, love

Gently, up and down, careening around bones, feeling

What you like, it's getting hard, when we don't talk

Nothing is right, and I don't feel it

you're elated,

I'm sedated,

spewing liquid

and unrest

But we can't acknowledge

anything, outside this

room

I'm fine, gone,

but you're not

and

I'm picking shards

After you leave-

desolate

holes

emptying

flesh

Careening through

everything that's lost

we've suffered enough.

you're pleading

for more, and

I'm complying

to a former love

in this room

A Marionette for acceptance, we found ourselves tame,

Conquered,

With no clarity

But that was alright,

We didn't know any better

We were self-taught

Practicing to old russian films

of Nijinsky, pirouetting

with insanity-

We tried it.

The eloquent rage,

Confusion, we

Mimicked the tremble

in his Contortions,

We didn't know any better

And

It's never been hard for you-

Twisting Italy around your fingers,

Drowning yourself in Peru

But I'm losing something

Among the flowers standing at attention

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Mary

Is all you'll say

at Bethel Israel

2

"Your room smells like cats"

"Your room smells like cats"

Spiraling

Repetition

In your

Bed

Again.

Naked

For no reason

Barely talking

Barely interested

Barely touching

Not fucking

this is dull.

"I love you"

After the pause

Smearing the sweat

into each others

skin,

your fingers

circle my hips

and butt

and clit

Just because you

"missed it"

It's a little awkward

after you come

And we speak love

But it isn't boring

"You smell like home"

"You smell like home"

I wake up

In a room

It smells

Like cats

I'll tell you everything I want to hear

I'll string it around you, in little vines

Twisting around your throat,

Cascading

To your toes,

and falling

Around your feet

in little piles.

I'll pull it light,

Release when you

Relent

Gentle convulsions

to the natural pressures

Of our skin.

A deafening rustle

Your land-locked ankles

Buckling and churning

Distress, sadness

In your dim eyes

A Frenzy of greens

and red

tearing,

Shredding,

The Impossible

Massacre

muttering to myself

amidst your shrieks and convulsions

I have traveled time!

The healthy vines

of summer

Now a deep, mysterious

Auburn

I turn away and listen

As time passes quickly through

You're skin

ode

battles fought amidst lust

planting weight in displaced nouns

spiders drinking my vomit

and mistrust

here's to the way it is now

whispering in corners, exaggerated

nothing

everything is hollow, lost-

is bothering

now,

tears

circling

your

ankles

this is the cost

of the way it is now

train passes

undistinguishable, yet more

haunting,

masked

soaking my feet

slumbering through masses

here's to you

morality

has past

well

who's been ground in

goats and figures

now

spitting his milk

erasing my features

what we were before,

love lingers-

carnivorous and hurt

the way it is now

barely

creatures